Symptomatic Behavior Are Symptoms

Back in 2012, a month or so after moving to Los Angeles for my job, I began to have hot flashes routinely at 8pm. I remember being at a restaurant waiting for a table and asking the person next to me, can you feel that? I was radiating so much heat that the person next to me could feel it without touching me. Not only did I experience the evening hot flashes but I would wake up, sometimes in the middle of the night, soaking wet. At a certain point, I started to experience this sensation of a fluttering heart. Since my mom had heart surgery in her early 50’s, I became concerned and decided to see a doctor. Considering my family history, the doctor had me wear a heart monitor for 2 weeks along with other tests and no abnormalities appeared. 

During this time, I was responsible for overhauling what the company I worked for considered a failing business [studio.] It was an exciting challenge for me and I felt like “the ask” was a reflection of their confidence in my ability. This also meant firing a considerable number of the staff who were not performing. Regardless of it being warranted, changing someone’s life completely in an instant and taking away their financial livelihood is pretty awful.

Needless to say, the doctors told me that my heart was fine and I was probably experiencing a level of anxiety. I had only heard friends share what an anxiety attack felt like. I assumed it was something that comes on with conscious awareness, you have current stressful thoughts that escalate to create the symptoms and physiological reaction of an anxiety attack. My thoughts weren’t stressful. I was fine. Life was great. I was flourishing. It was fascinating to realize that my subconscious could be housing the anxieties and stress without me even knowing.

Emotional and mental build up is stored in the body, which will ultimately appear as symptoms when not addressed and alleviated. Here I was enjoying my work on the surface level, perhaps because there was a recognition from the owners, value placed on my performance and capability, ownership of my work and the challenge of turnaround project was intellectually stimulating. The ego mind was satiated and well paid for it. I should add, I was working from 5:30am until 5:30pm, 6, 7,  8, when I got home until I went to bed… because “I loved what I was doing.”

Although physical symptoms from dis-stress eventually transpired, I missed the other symptoms which were behavioral and show up as habitual response and unconscious patterns. My other symptoms were distracting myself from my self, typically with drinking or work. At this specific time, drinking was not prevalent because who has time for that when you are important enough to work 12 plus hours of the day. So my symptomatic behavior was pouring everything into work, a healthier distraction? Debatable. When things got tough, when feeling was too much, I drank or worked as to not feel, and I did so without even realizing that’s what I was doing. Overwhelmed from work and not wanting to feel it… ok, I’ll work some more.

So I invite you to look at your symptoms.

Some might be a physical manifestation, but I encourage you to uncover the symptomatic responses in the form of unconscious reactions and habits. This can be work, an afternoon cocktail, caretaking, food, shopping, netflix, smoking, meditation, exercise, overcommitment, etc. As you see, some habituated responses can be healthy; it becomes hindering or harmful when we use them consistently [and eventually unknowingly] as an escape or to avoid. If it’s hard to distinguish between healthy and harmful, I can share a personal example. After a massive heartbreak, my initial response was to go grab beers with friends all the time, however recognizing this, I allocated my energy into rock climbing. I was climbing all the time and life was awesome and it was absolutely healthier than drinking beers, however I never actually faced the grief of the break up; months and months later it all surfaced at a time when I had no choice but to face it.

Identifying the symptomatic behavior or responses gives us the opportunity to prevent the physical manifestation of symptoms from even happening. We are one step closer in stopping a toxic or stressful build up from being stored in the body by recognizing when it happens, discovering the root by seeing what triggers it and, at some point, shifting to take an intentional action [versus automatic] in a direction that supports you and is sustainably healthy. And please please please don’t wait for it to be a problem you can’t ignore.

Portia Nelson, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery so eloquently describes the eventual shift from mindless, unconscious patterns to corrective or mindful/intentional action

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”