Death by Definition
3 reasons 'defining' yourself might be standing in your way.
I wanted this to be my first post because it's near and dear to my heart. The "you are what you do" complex was paralyzing for me this summer. I was putting so much meaning on what it is to be a blogger, a yoga teacher, a life coach that I refused to blast to the world or my 10 friends who know that I have a website. Let’s face it, we all think: well, I can quietly work on these things without telling anyone, that way if I fail then I fail quietly and nooooobody will know, but if I'm "successful" then maybe, and I repeat maybe, I will let everyone know what I do. Do you want to know how well that worked? Yup... a big goose egg. So here goes nothing and everything, because at the end of the day I'd rather fall forward than fall backward. Because I can catch myself. Oh. No. I mean because forward is progress. Ya, totally. That's right!
The "I am where I live" syndrome
Have you ever said to yourself "I HAVE to live in (insert city)" or on the flip side "I could NEVER live in (insert city)"? That statement has come up many, many times in my life and I have built huge self awareness around it. I find a place I really like and think this is it, I have to live here, there's no other place I can live... well, 5 cities later, I realized that I can live in a ton of different places. Defining yourself by where you live will keep doors closed in your personal and professional life.
The Secret: Be honest about your priorities. And then honor them. If you aren't honoring them, reevaluate.
The Hack: I'm not saying move from the place you love just so you aren't defined by it, but understand why you are living there. Look at your goals and your priorities. Where is the best place to accomplish the top of your list? Focus on experiences and environment, so that you can open up some options. I never thought I would leave Venice Beach, but I wanted a family, acreage, and to work in the outdoor industry. Not going to find land in Venice Beach, my better half at the time was moving to Colorado, and there is closer access to more outdoor sports than most other parts of the country. Do I miss surfing and my favorite yoga teacher and my neighborhood? Absolutely... but I'm that much closer to achieving my goals because I honored what was most important. A place is a canvas for experiences, you are the one who creates the experiences.
"You are what you do" complex
We've all been asked the question "What do you do?" For some the question might have a pretty simple, basic answer, however for most of us, in this day and age, it feels like a pretty loaded question. You might be working on multiple projects or you have a job to pay the bills, but you are super driven in life by some other non-paying passions. The complex shows up because you believe that "what you do" says something about you on a bigger level, that it might say something about your character or how interesting you are or, even worse, how successful you are. This complex has two parts and they both stem from fear of judgement- the limitation and the debilitation.
Limitation: You believe that what you do is the only thing you can do because you've done it for X years, so you continue doing this thing you don't want to do.
Debilitation: You don't say what you are pursuing because you feel like a phony and like you're not credible or even worse that it's not a legitimate career.
The Secret: You are none of those things. You sleep. Does that make you a sleeper? You eat. Does that make you an eater? They are all things you do, you are not them.
The Hack: The common denominator in every conversation is you and you are the only one judging you. Ok, I lied, yes, everyone is always judging, but you have no f**king clue what someone will think, so just say it, and say all of it. I'm a lawyer and I'm extremely passionate about trail running, I'm looking to compete and place top 3 in my age group this year. You will never hurt yourself by sharing everything, if anything, you will propel yourself towards your goals faster. No way! Do you want to meet up for a long run weekly, I could use a buddy out there?!
The age "should be's"
Oh man, this one's a doozy because we say it so definitively (see what I did there.) I'm 35, I should own a house. I'm 30, I should be married. I'm 38, I should have a family. I'm 45, I should be CEO by now. We turn our goals into expectations and we don't readdress those goals based on the choices we make or the things that have happened along the way. I'm 35, I should own a house despite all those vacations to Europe that were pretty fun. I'm 30, I should be married, even though I worked 80 hour/ weeks and never made time for guys I dated. I'm 38, I should have a family regardless of the relationship I stayed in for 3 years too long. I'm 45, I should be CEO by now, especially because I've been with the same company for the last 20 years. When goals become expectations they become rigid. This rigidity can be extremely detrimental and the root of negative self talk, which ultimately becomes your biggest roadblock.
The secret: Why? Why do you need to have or have achieved these things by this age? If the answer has significance then you will make significant choices. Just as I mentioned about being honest and honoring your priorities, be honest about the choices you've made in regards to that goal.
The Hack: You are where you are in this moment and there is nothing you can change from the past to get you to your "should be" in this moment. Acknowledge where you are, you can acknowledge that it might suck, and then move beyond to productive thoughts. Be flexible and don't beat yourself up, that's just lost time. Life is always changing, so your ideas of when you should have certain things in your life need to as well. I understand the age clock- there's a biological one, there's your strength and recovery, the list goes on. This just means you need to be creative and flexible with your goals and how to accomplish them. Did I mention to stay flexible?